We caught up with Joe The Dog sleeping in the sunshine on the deck of his house in Southern Maryland.
Sleeping? Not at all. Coiled spring, me. Instantly ready to bark at passers-by, grab an unsuspecting insect as it flies past, or leap up at the offer of FOOD. Is that a doggie treat you’ve got there? Sorry? A microphone? Dearie me. That’s not much good. I can feel myself losing the will to live already.
No. I’m not a character in the book. It’s a bone of contention. Hahaha! Did you get that? ‘Bone of contention!’ Anyway. All I get is a mention in the acknowledgements. I ask you. I mean, I take him along the beach every day, twice a day and that’s when he writes the stuff in his head. You’d think it wasn’t too much to ask to include me. But no. It’s not as if he’s even much good on the beach. I’ve never seen him cocking his leg, or pooping in the long grass, or crunching crab’s legs or any of that good stuff. And as for chasing a ball! Useless.
What do I think of the book? Tell you the truth, I haven’t read it myself. I like something with a bit more meat in the story. The odd chicken helps, too. And it has guns in it, as I understand. Dogs don’t do guns. It’s partly our lack of an opposable claw which makes the whole hold-it-up-to-your-shoulder-and-pull-the-trigger-at-the-same-time thing a bit tricky. But mainly it’s the noise. Scares the living crap out of us. We’d be no good on the front. Or the back, come to that. It’s hard to confront the enemy while lying on the ground with your paws over your ears and pooping uncontrollably all the while.
The author? What about him? Oh, he’s not a bad old geezer, I guess. Thinks he’s the alpha male in the house, though. Hahaha! That’s a joke. I go along with it a bit, of course. You know, submissive-tummy-rub stuff and occasionally following orders. But see when he’s fifty yards away and I’ve found a fine, chewy carcass on the beach and he calls me. Do I come? Do I Hell!
Okay. No problem. My pleasure. Now, stop kidding me around and give me a treat or I’ll take that microphone thingy and treat it like one of my chew-bones…